A list of things my chain of command does not or no longer authorizes me to do.

1. When accused of a crime by my chain of command, I am NOT authorized to answer with "What are you smoking, Sarge, and where can I get some?" (Crime was 'witchcraft', by the way)

2. When my roommate is accused of being a Nazi by CID, I am NOT authorized to laugh hysterically, grab other people, return, point fingers and laugh hysterically some more.

3. I am NOT authorized to call CID, to their faces, any of the following: "incompotent losers", "morons", or "delusional"

4. I am NOT authorized to video tape MI folks beaten while laughing hysterically.

5. "Mr Happy Rock" is not acceptable office material. (Mr Happy Rock is Happy. Mr Happy Rock doesn't like unannounced visitors. They make him sad. Don't make Mr Happy Rock sad. Call before visiting.)

6. "Issues" is not welcome to voice his opinions on military operations. Nor can he give me legal orders, nor cancel the legal orders of my chain of command.

7. I am NOT authorized to point at UN soldiers and voice my opinions of their moral, ethical or genetic ancestry. Laughing at UN personnel is also forbidden.

8. I am NOT authorized to threaten UN personnel.

9. I am NOT authorized to attempt to call in air strikes on the French Army.

10. Even if they ARE in our area of operations without permission, nor notifying us.

11. I am NOT authorized to hospitalize MP's.

12. I am definitely NOT authorized to hospitalize MP's while AFN Europe is taping.

13. I am NOT authorized to plead the 5th Amendment when my chain of command asks me why they watched me assaulting MP's live on AFN News.

14. I am NOT authorized to refer to Russian soldiers as "godless Commie scum" while they are in hearing range

15. I am NOT authorized to carry more than one loaded M9's at any given time.

16. I am NOT authorized to carry more than one belt-fed weapon at any given time.

17. I am NOT authorized to insult my chain of command in foreign languages.

18. I am especially NOT authorized to insult my chain of command in foreign languages when soldiers that natively speak said language are within hearshot.

19. I am NOT authorized to ask the Counter-Intelligence guy what the going rate for classified information is.

20. I am NOT authorized to ask the CI guy to ask if the Chinese or the French will offer more money for classified information.

21. I am NOT authorized to point out glaringly obvious flaws in briefings given by superiors.

22. I am NOT authorized to give my opinion of certain officers' lack of intelligence to the EUCOM Sergeant Major.

23. Even if he asks for my opinion.

24. I am NOT authorized to give my opinion of certain officers' lack of intelligence to journalists.

25. I am NOT authorized to attempt to trade my issued weapon to foreign Armies while any officers are present.

26. I am NOT authorized to attempt to trade officers to foreign Armies in exchange for better weapons.

27. I am NOT authorized to cry when handing back weapons to foreign Armies, because they have better toys.

28. I am NOT authorized to scream "Kill 'em all!" repeatedly while firing a Mk19 Mod 3 belt fed grenade launcher.

29. I am NOT authorized to shoot Santa while screaming "This is for not giving me a pony, you sadistic bastard!"

30. I am NOT authorized to replace US Army targets with images of schoolbuses at the range.

31. I am NOT authorized to start a revolution. Even if I prepare a briefing proving my Oath of Enlistment says I should.

32. I am NOT authorized to change the tires on a 727 ever again.

33. I am NOT authorized to grab some spare nuts and bolts out of the aircraft mechanics' bag and tell personnel loading the 727 "Hey, I had some spare parts left over from changing the tires. Think they're important?"

34. I am NOT authorized to use my Crypto Courier card to engage in smuggling activities.

35. I am NOT authorized to request permission from my chain of command to mutiny.

36. I am NOT authorized to quote Deliverance or Full Metal Jacket lines repeatedly to the FNG's.

37. I am NOT authorized to defect to foreign Armies ever again.

38. I am NOT authorized to use PsyOps helicopter speaker systems for my personal stero.

39. I am NOT authorized to play any music from Apolcapse Now over the PsyOps helicopter speaker system.

40. I am NOT authorized inside the chapel, out of fear that it or I will catch on fire.

41. I am NOT authorized to ask permission to execute people for incompotence, but I should be.

42. I am NOT authorized to wear a Soviet uniform to a military ball, even if the invitation did just say "Dress Uniform".

43. I am NOT authorized to call in SALUTE reports starting with "No [bleep}, there I was..."

44. I am NOT authorized to train bears to attack officers.

45. I am NOT authorized to conduct psychological warfare experiments on my chain of command.

46. I am NOT authorized to attempt to ward off my chain of command with any of the following: UV lights, garlic, crosses, holy water or plastic explosives.

47. I am NOT authorized to make wind chimes out of mortar rounds ever again.

48. I am NOT authorized to use a bayonet instead of typical eating utensils.

49. I am NOT authorized to shave with my bayonet publically.

50. I am actually authorized to trade 10 lbs of Hershey chocolate for C4, AK47's and various goodies from Special Forces.

51. I am NOT authorized to wear foreign headgear.

52. I am NOT authorized to replace the US flag on my uniform with the Jolly Roger.

53. I am NOT authorized to scream "Death to the Hippies, sir" when saluting officers anymore.

54. I am NOT authorized to call 'Officer Formation' (spacing out all enlisted folks 10m so that the officers have to salute each one individually).

55. I am NOT authorized to not salute officers by closing my eyes and saying "Sorry, didn't see ya there, sir!"

56. I am NOT authorized to add swords, battle axes or catapults to the MTOE.

57. I am NOT authorized to secure Viking style horns to my k-pot.

58. I am NOT authorized to wear a Hawaiian shirt over my BDU's, even in a non-tactical environment

59. I am NOT authorized to use the antennas on an M557 to make a 'sun porch'.

60. I am apparently authorized to work on Apache attack helicopters. I'm not sure why.

61. I am NOT authorized to do 'donuts' or figure 8's in track vehicles.

62. I am NOT authorized to chase people in track vehicles while laughing hysterically.

63. I am NOT authorized to turn myself in to the MP's for committing the criminal sexual misconduct of oral sex, even if it is a crime listed in the UCMJ.

64. I am NOT authorized to extensively list my deviant sexual misconduct in a sworn affidavid while turning myself in to the MP's.

65. I am NOT authorized to request strip searches.

66. I am NOT authorized to taunt MP's anymore.

67. I am NOT authorized to die without permission.

68. I am NOT authorized to replace my issued weapons with medival weaponry

69. I am NOT authorized to construct robots and arm them.

70. I am NOT authorized to add sexual preferences to my dog-tags.

71. I am NOT authorized to wear medical tags with my alcohol preferences on them.

72. I am NOT authorized to attempt to steal aircraft from friendly countries.

73. I am NOT authorized to use "I was drunk" as a defense to accusations of violating Rule 72.

74. I am NOT authorized to say on training missions "If you did that in combat, I'd shoot you myself."

75. I am NOT authorized to pretend to inject myself with atropine ever again.

76. I am NOT authorized to steal coffee mugs from the CIA. Even if they are a bunch of idiots.

77. I am NOT authorized to point at CIA agents and laugh at their stupidity, even if intoxicated.

78. I am NOT authorized to sing "100 Bottles of Beer" ever again, or else I will be executed by my coworkers

79. I am NOT authorized to bring a Barrett to the chow hall.

80. I am NOT authorized to put Issues on a noose and attach him to the barrel of the Barrett.

81. I am NOT authorized to bring dissected pig fetuses to the chow hall.

82. I am NOT authorized to accuse KBR of being treasonous back-stabbing crooks, even if I am correct.

83. I am NOT authorized to ask for permission to line KBR brass up against a wall for execution while they are within hearing distance.

84. I am authorized to threaten Italian soldiers for needed supplies.

85. I am however NOT authorized to threaten an invasion of Italy, nor make WWII references.

86. I am NOT authorized to step foot in Italy for at least a decade.

87. I am NOT authorized to physically throw NCO's out of my office unless directed by a superior officer.

88. I am NOT authorized to ask any more 'purely hypothetical questions' to the Major.